im scared of the future

This message is not on my agenda. This is not a part of my plan.

This is my conscience chirping, constantly coaching, don’t let this feeling go untold.

It’s my passion screaming, shouting, begging to not be stifled.

Most of the world is excited right now. It’s a brand new year in a brave new world. Anything is possible.

But I am scared.

These are my beliefs bleeding through, patiently nagging, kindly reminding, you have so much more to offer.

This is my fear telling me I won’t ever become bigger than what I am. I cannot help anyone. No one is listening. I am still not a writer. I will not be a success and the ridiculous thoughts of dreams… I do not deserve them. They will never be mine.

I am scared that I won’t ever get to where I want to be. Because that Socrates quote screws me up the most.

 

It’s amazing to me, it’s shocking.

These are fears I will never dismiss and I will never allow them to escape me.

Because they are mine and I own them. They are the motivation I need to destroy the doubt that may try to cripple me into cowardliness and procrastination.

Your worst fears and mine are entirely unacceptable. To believe in a dream and see that this could all be for not, is something that you cannot have silence you.

 

I was angry. I was so fricking pissed off.

My younger self didn’t have the guidance (to reach me) nor the education to have a really good job or career. When everyone and everything I saw around me had enough brains in their head to do something with their younger years. To be where they are now. Making good money, happy with work and happy in general. Oozing freedom.

I was so pissed off that I never did that for myself. I used that. There is no way in hell that this could be it. This is not how I am going to live. I can’t, I will fricking resent my existence if that is what I am willing to accept and I try my damnedest to accept the good. Anger is a powerful emotion and it can fuel your progress.

When I was just a kid my Aunt Lala told me something that stuck in my head and I questioned it’s meaning. At the time she was trying to get me to finish my meal but it was “waste not, want not”.

I grew up big on that phrase. Do what you can with what you have. Think long and hard enough and you will see it’s more than you need.

You may have to MacGyver the hell out of it. But you can surprise yourself. The genius of your own ingenuity is a sleeping giant. Prod it in the rib and let it roar.

Creativity is intelligence having fun.

Albert Einstein

Anger finally faded into hope. By the work I accomplished with my anger motivation I saw the fruit of my labor. I do remember what freedom initially felt like. Indescribable, although I will try to illustrate. My life was changed, forever altered. The life ahead of me, my life, was infinitely different and I could see nothing but opportunity moving forward.

The things I tried to learn barely made sense at first. The ideas I had, I wasn’t the only one with them. I failed so many times in the face of trying to forge a different future that it was stupid. Not stupid that I thought it was impossible. Stupid that I could see so many people making this work. There is absolutely no fricking reason on this planet that I couldn’t either.

Because why the hell not?

Why can’t I be better than I am currently imagining?

Why can’t I blow my own mind and be even better than that?

Why can’t I be whatever I want to be?

Why can’t I?

Why not!?

 

I kept beating on that craft and I finally broke through. You can land hits that are wins as long as you never back down.

You can get pissed off and you can be beaten. You can lose and you will feel weakened. You can throw a fit. You can even cry. Beat yourself up if you’re going to. But while you are doing it you better remember that your future self is the one that will want to whoop your own ass if you quit. Tomorrow is who you are going to be by what you do today.

Show your tomorrow-self progress you made yesterday and you’ll be proud of the present.

Carlton Bryant

This is a manic relationship with my emotions that I may never master. But I have found you can control and command them to conquer your deepest desires.

You don’t have to be a Buddhist monk to change your life. You don’t have to have your crap together to make everything fall into place. Embrace what may be initially, a very toxic and chaotic emotion, and enslave into doing your bidding. Because it is a meager little thought in head trying to sound bigger than it is. When you realize that you are the god of your own thoughts, you can make that bastard in your brain do whatever you want it to do.

It may come back from time to time to rear it’s stupid little head but how you respond to that is what makes the difference in your real world. If it’s purpose is to scare you, then let it terrify you. Let it take you on that tour of your life, how it might be, if you never did anything. Snap back to reality when you realize that is only a nightmare, that can and will happen, if you allow it. It will only happen if you do not fight it. If you do not do anything. If you dwell in it.

Do not dwell.

Ask yourself “What if?”

Haunt yourself with the never-ending possibilities of your dreams absent doubt.

Don’t cheat yourself on your future,

Feel like fire, fear no failure and finally find freedom.

Shatter any disbelief that you will ever be successful.

The best stories start with a broken past.

My biggest fear is that I will never make it.

 

What do you want to do?